In between everything

I can only see two pretty things above, a lovely flower and a cute being, both filled with love.

There have been several instances where we've faced unnecessary hurdles. After everything I've been through in my life over the years, it's shaped me into who I am today. As a result, trusting has become a challenge. I’ve reached a point where I can no longer accept phrases like "I'm sorry" or "Don't I deserve another chance?" They just don't hold weight anymore. I've learned that even someone as close as your husband can take advantage of your pride. Forget the typical betrayals from boyfriends during school days or the hypocritical, two-faced friends we had back then; this trust issue has hit a whole new level. It's about a person whose primary role should be to preserve, care for, protect, and guide you, but -nada-. Let me emphasize that word: Protect. I've found myself in a situation where I genuinely feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore, except you.

That phase I went through hit me hard, like a punch to the chest. Don’t mistake the pain I felt for love or a broken heart, because it was neither. I found myself trapped in my own thoughts, wondering just how much further one's foolishness could go. I was disgusted with myself, realizing that someone like that could walk the Earth, living among us. Blinded by greed and devoid of compassion, this person left me breathless, with tears that seemed endless. I would curl up and scream until there was no air left in my lungs, all the while feeling the weight of the pain. They took my pride that belonged only to me, vandalized it, exploited it for their selfish needs, and tossed it aside as if it were nothing. It felt like no one cared how deeply this tore at my soul. Aren't you ashamed of yourselves? Showing no regard for my name, my children's name, my skin, or me. The pain doesn't just affect me; it reaches into the depths of my being. During that time, I couldn’t help but imagine if the tables were turned. Would they feel as traumatized as I did? Every time I closed my eyes, the mockery replayed in my mind, tormenting me.

I just want everything to be over, and I believe we deserve our own sense of justice. This has never been about winning or losing; it’s not a game. Ego? Honestly, spare me. I hope you feel a hundred times the pain I’ve endured, and then you can look me in the eye and say I’m being unreasonable.

Over the years in my relationships, I often ignored my own feelings. I told myself it was okay to put my needs aside, thinking, "You do your thing, and I'll do mine; I can handle it." Sometimes, I felt small and upset because I missed touch, affection, and attention. I thought maybe I was just being childish. However, I’ve realized that these things really matter to me, and I want to share those experiences with you right now and in every moment after baby. At this moment, I'm grappling with trust issues, and the idea of getting married feels both wonderful and intimidating. I’m choosing to be open about how I feel now for the sake of us, and I believe it's a healthy habit to have.

I truly love him, my Muhammad Khais. If I could turn back time, I would want us to share a perfect journey together, carefully planned so that we could savour every moment and grow alongside each other. Yet, I find myself believing that everything has happened for a reason, leading us to where we are now.

Syariah Court was fucked up. The mediator was fucked up. The counsellor was fucked up. When I reached out for support from the assistance groups, I was met with blank stares and empty promises. The very people who held the power to make a difference ridiculed me and mocked my pain, treating my struggles as if they were nothing more than a punchline in a cruel joke. They slammed the door on my hopes of escaping my unhappy marriage, dismissing my intentions to divorce with an apathetic 9-to-5 attitude that made me feel utterly defeated. What a heartbreaking disappointment for sure, which brought me to engage a lawyer to maintain my sanity.

So, no. I only have you. I feel different when I'm with you. I'm all in with you. I like how we always learn from each other; we do reflections together. I love how I'm 100% transparent and comfortable with you. You’re my best friend, my brother, my mother, my father, my funny one. The way we are always in sync, how we don’t need to say a word yet we understand, listen, and respond as if our minds shout our own words out loud—it’s incredible. My journey of love ends with you till the end of time. It’s not a pitstop anymore; it’s forever. My forever.

Reminder.

everything happens for a reason

Bookshelf for a heart

Sun and Moon

 "Here we see the sun, there we see the moon.

It's lovely, and somehow I find us funny,

how our eyes meet, then our hearts move.

Gloomy days, now, to sunny.

Is it true when they say we all have a long year ahead of us?

how do they explain how short of a time we feel,

about the last time we last laid eyes?

Time flies, but look at the years pass.

Feelings... Explain to me how do they say it will not hurt us?

Because what I feel right now is strong and deep.

Sounds dangerous, it sounds like I need help fast."

- MK George 1922 July

Conversion

The capacity to learn is a gift,

the ability to learn is a skill,

the willingness to learn is a choice.

Received many congratulations from my friends the moment I reached work this morning. I want to feel happy and smiling, but I was just filled with confusion and disappointment inside me. I kept trying to look at the positive side of things, yet I still wonder about the doubt I was asked, “Are you sure you want to become a TL?”. Honestly, I’m not even sure what lies in the path ahead of me at all, whether the cash I hold in my wallet is enough until the day comes, or not. Whenever there’s an offer, I’m willing to take it, and from there I’ll learn as I go with it, which I am sure as hell about.

I had a conversation with my supervisor a few days ago. I was offered a promotion to a different position and that enables me to help carry out duties with my current team leader as it seemed to be a little overwhelming for her. On one particular day, she decided to give me a call and ask me questions that are out of context. I mean, I understand you want me to do what you do, and feel what you feel. Don’t be open and teach the language that it is ok to bring work home. It may be alright for you, but not for everyone else. I continuously tell myself that I have to remember to breathe, take things slow and try my best to pick up and learn this new experience.

I should play the song One Step At A Time by Jordin Sparks for this post 😄

Went back to Marsiling home yesterday, supposedly to pack other things, but my sister had to rest and came a little late so we didn’t get to pack anything. Every time I drop by any home, everyone is on another chapter, a new phase. My sister with her new challenges. Sya with her new path. My mother and her boyfriend, and also caring for my grandmother. My mum, dad and brother onwards on their new journey to a new abode, a new house. My other brother is also in line to their home sweet home and focusing more on the growth of their 2 minions. My other sister... I can’t imagine yet what it is, but she’d gone through hard times and is now on the same level of excitement for our parent’s new home sweet home that’s coming soon. My younger sister… still in college, under the care of her dad, I miss them and don’t like how it’s a little hard for us to set a date to meet. It’ll always be an impromptu one usually.

There will always be this one random moment, where I can only imagine… nenek strolling down by Gardens by the Bay, with all my mum, aunties and uncles, cousins. Just that moment when she can stop worrying about the time entirely. Everyone is going through something, I wish I can have all the time to sit and listen to all of my dad’s preaches and rare collectables. Remember during our school days, the only time we had papa to ourselves is only on the Sunday of the week? We would only visit the library, swim or watch a movie, or just do something. Saturdays would be his half days... Now that he’s always available at home, we can’t bring him to play with us at the playground at the void deck 😄 I want to be there for my mothers, I want to be there for my grandmother, I want to be there for my fathers, I want to be there for my sisters, brothers and cousins. It’s a large picture to paint, but I’ll be there when time allows us.

OMG, why am I emotional? Is it because of this Jordin Spark’s song or what sia… My main post was about how pissed I was at work only, but type in a nicer way la right…  ok la, goodnight. ❤️

Packing day at Mars

Saying goodbye to level 7 soon because momsie, dadsie and brother are moving to their new unit soon 💕 So today, me and sis start some packing. Alhamdulillah.

—

These pictures means a whole lot. From the day we got locked out of the house and had to sleep on the cold stairs. Not going to school but meet up to go karaoke at CC days. Boy issues by the blk days. The level 2 chillax moments. The kittens we used to see often behind the level 1 left, near the drain. The night we had to hide behind the bushes to hide from my brother? like what sia was I thinking? 😂 Kalau kurus takpe jugak kan, da la gemok, lagi nak hide blakang bush. The BTO which me and hubby choose but didn’t get because of race quota.

Marsiling… specifically… the blk… THE blk… those days… chimp-pan-zee days… kat playground pun kita kanak-kanak primary school boleh gaduh-gaduh… ish-ish… wait msn days? alif? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha gatal. Omg, do homework bawa blk with sot ximaito. hahahahahahahahadjhhahahdljahsdlhjsbljhbdlj. I’m laughing so hard in my heart, my veins would burst right now. Da la! goodnight. #homesweethome

Their exam period

Today is the 3rd day of their exam period. They did so many revisions and challenges in preparation for their exam. Yesterday was their Mathematic paper. When they reached home, I asked them to share their thoughts and experience they had when they sat for the paper. I interviewed my son first. "How was your exam paper?" I asked. He sat on the sofa, with his uniform still on and replied, "Oh it's very easy. I confirm get all correct."  (-_-) I went on to ask which question did he find was the easiest and most difficult. "Oh there's no difficult question, I just do." Confidence level: Infinite. Haha. Then I went on to ask which question he finds requires more thinking and what other types of questions he could remember to share with. He also said that he triple-checked, not double, but triple. Following that, he continued talking for the next hour about his adventures in school. Then, I called my daughter to the living room to ask how her experience with the Mathematics paper was and she also shared that it was easy but she had some difficulty with the last few questions of booklet B. Her most straightforward question was symmetrical shading, and she remembered simplifying any fraction to the lowest.

We are all already curious to see how they did on the papers, and can't wait to go through them together. Today is their Mother Tongue paper, and lastly will be their Science paper, good luck, all the best, and Insya Allah both of you will do well with flying colours.

No matter what the scores are going to be, it does not define who you are or the value of your knowledge. It will only be a reminder to continue and practice to be better than the previous. Mama and Abah will love you no matter what grade, and only want you to be happy and proud of the things you achieve.

A whole day with Mum, Dad and babies

A fulfilling day today. It's the Children's Day holiday, and it's also my off day. Then my parents want to bring us out, to get the kids' presents. Qasya got his replacement of school shoes, and then I brought him to have his hair cut before meeting the grandparents in the later afternoon. Dad parked his motorbike at Yew Tee, and then we travelled to Vivo by train, yup, train. with the parents.

Went to Sketchers to replace Qasya's sandals, and he got his favourite Minecraft shoes too. So he bought a total of 3 shoes in one day. Then we head to toys r us for toys. Qasya discovered a new arrival for Marvel's Lego set, and Fina found her collection pieces from Mini Brand's collection!! Ended the day with the usual doughnuts, and some Baskin-Robins, and met with my uncle who then send us all home after some ala carte seafood at Pasir Panjang Food Centre.

Happy Belated to my girl and boy again, and happy Children's Day!

Fiction Waters

There was an event by the waters. It looked like it was near a wide open sea, a beautiful sight at night, under the dark blue sky. People were seen standing on metal structures to get a better view of the performance. I was heading to the restroom after the whole hype, I can also hear the crowd's voices starting to fade when a girl was staring at me to get my attention. She looked like the person who is managing the event's lighting or sound system because of all the wires she had from her head to her waist. I approached her as she took out her phone from her back pocket and then showed me a picture of a familiar guy with a tattoo on his neck. It was him. Never supposed to exist. The girl feel the same fury in her as I had in me, she saw how mad and angry I was as I held the phone, scanning through the crowds knowing he is somewhere near, at the beach party. I wasn't sure why she did what she did, but I continue to wonder, how she knew him, until the end of that scene.

- For those who are wondering, it's coming from the dream I had last night though. Haha.

10th second October

We were all in the living room watching the television when the clock struck 12 midnight, abah sang the birthday song, while I run into the kitchen to retrieve the gas lighter for the stove. I switched the lights and fans off. Fire up the gas lighter, and waited for Fina to blow her fire at the end of the song, also holding the wait to the delivery person that just arrived at our door to collect money for the McDonald's we ordered.

Went to work in the later morning. Bought her present from Kiddy Palace right after work, and then ran to the basement for the cake. I light the cake on the staircase beside my unit. Pressed the bell. Fina opened the door, and we sang the birthday song with the lighted cake in my hands. She was smiling, with her mouth open. She was expecting me to quickly reach home from work so that we can be on our way to Sentosa faster, but the cake and present were the added bonus to my return home.

We cut the cake into small pieces and gave out the remaining to our neighbours. Double-checked our items-to-bring list (not the forget the umbrella), then off we go.

My sister and her husband were working at a food event on the day we went to Sentosa, so we find them, exchange our hellos and grab some food and drinks from the many stalls, before heading to the beach. There were so many people, it was so hot, we had to queue and we were also rushing for time. After getting a box of keropok lekor, a set of bombolinis, and some meh drinks, we picked a spot near the restroom, which was also behind a gigantic rock.

We dug into the food we bought right away, and then head straight for the water. It was sunny and windy at first. Minutes later the sky went heavy filled with dark clouds, but it didn't rain yet, so we continued our wet play, sand scrub massage and sand digging. Fina found seaweed and placed it on all of our heads. She also brewed 'seaweed soup' from the new ingredient she found at the beach.

We watched the beautiful sunset in the open sky above the(dirty) sea until there was lightning and thunder. We started to pack and wash. Thankful for the umbrella, we managed to shelter ourselves to find the next nearest shelter and the next. Slowly moving forward to our best exit from the island. We reached Harbourfront by bus and most shops were about to close, we settle to have our dinner at KFC. Then we returned home, unpacked our day's worth of dirty clothes and ended the night.

Happy birthday my dear, Putri Sarafina Qhalisya.

His birthday

Let's not lie to ourselves that we all have one of those bad days to give up hope. Feeling exhausted when you have not done anything at all at the start of your day. You keep hearing the same expected lies after every cycle of apologies and empty promises. You tell yourself, at the back of your mind, back of your heart, your bones and in your blood, that it will all be alright, one day. Like a quote, you chose to believe in, "there is light at the end of every tunnel." You repeat all kinds of positive mantras just to maintain the stability of your mind, and when you were about the sleep at the end of the day, all the talks in your head just would not shut up and the endless scenes of what had already happened and what may happen, repeats itself until you fall asleep. You just want to press the skip button on that invincible remote, which you do not have, to as many days as possible and finally land on one of the good days which we all have been craving for or look forward to. Many days have passed, and whatever you think you are actually doing right, will eventually punch you back in the face as you circled back to the start of the cycle. At this point, you start to bottle up the feelings which you brushed off during the moment, then tried to share a little something with a friend, or post about it somewhere just to tell yourself you're ok, to put off the weight a little and whatever you think your problem is, it was just a petty issue. You then burst your feelings online, offline, tell a friend, a family, and things are still the same for you.

I grow tired of the same appetite I can't fulfil until I don't remember what hunger feels like anymore. I stop adoring any valuables, knowing that someday I will have to sell them off soon and getting attached to these things will just handicap me. I'm sick of feeling over the moon one second, only to then be desperate to survive another day. On top of all that, people around are expecting me to be everywhere when in fact, I can't afford to be somewhere at all. It makes me feel funny even when I'm trying to put my thoughts into words right now, and it may or may not, make any sense tomorrow when you and I read this, again. So, I'll rant.

It was his birthday recently. With the problems that are strangling me, I can't get over the fact that despite the efforts I'd put into trying to make for his birthday, (after paying triple hundreds and making demands for our $3000 utility bill and continuing working with only a few cents.) I did, somehow, Alhamdulillah managed to celebrate his birthday over seafood dinner at Newton. What's a birthday without a cake right? He blow candles off of his muffin of choice, and we sang birthday songs, not once, but twice on his birthday at 0000 of the 13th and also on the night of the 13th. Noticing that he still looked sad, with the obvious fake smiles he gave me, probably because his family was busy celebrating the birth of a new member to the tree, I told myself that maybe it was just me, trying to make him see the only little efforts I could afford on the table. Wait, did he expect me to surprise him with a gold bar? (Now that I think about it.) Nah, that's insane right, since he is aware of what rough time we had for years. Anyway, we even went out to SEA Aquarium, and Sentosa over the weekend until late at night lying down on that swinging bench as we looked up to the sky(basically just resting because we walked a lot.) and caught small fireworks through the night together as a family and what more could he have asked for? There are lots of candles, 2 songs, a tiny cake we all eat, seafood dinner, a visit to the SEA Aquarium and his colleague bought him a surprise present of a gigantic portable monitor, which I thought was pretty cool because you can plug it to your phone and also it's a touchscreen, so it kinda turned your tiny phone screen x1k larger.

My phone was sold and I continue my days using my daughter's time-limited-age-controlled phone. I live the days without Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and whatever that made you aliens scroll your finger even without looking at the screen. It feels like I was going through some detox on screen time. I borrowed more books, finishing my Luxe serious novel which I'm on book 3 currently, and when I'm tired of reading, I would watch a movie on Netflix, Disney+ or play Fortnite with my son trying to complete season 4 and achieve Spider-Gwen at level 100 with the battle pass, of course, then stare at the cats, fishes and the plant that are now filled with holes because of my cat's fangs, lastly kept myself busy solving math questions together with the children, learning how different the school teaches now and during my time. I don't even care if my phone doesn't ring any notifications for days, because I'm very busy being present at work and at home.

But when I check our shared Instagram yesterday, I feel a lot of emotions. One, he posted pictures of the day we went out together to the aquarium, nice, but he also shared that we indeed spend $0 as his caption. Are you trying to indirectly update your friends or family that we went out for your birthday? Indirectly telling them that we indeed really have no money? I don't know. I would've posted the pictures the same but the caption though...I would've given my thanks to the 'us against the world' family, and feel proud to have made some memories heading out with what little shit we have, but no.  It was him man, not me, just wasn't me, but because of self-love, I am proud of myself and I appreciate the hard work and efforts which I'd put into the day. Two, in another post, he gave special thanks and dedication to his colleague who actually gave him a gigantic physical present. In the caption, he specifically said, "....one and only present." I wouldn't want to feel crazy in 1 second. So, I put everything aside and went into the living room. There were no tears left to cry.

The pity I felt for myself, the sadness I think I feel, the disappointment, the fucking anger I imagined in my head, trying to hit the edge of the phone on his damn skull which only happened in my mind. It was hopeless. From the moment I laid eyes on him years back, I've only wanted to impress him. Make him feel happy, make random surprises with paper and scraps, trying to make something out of my own without buying things. More like the efforts and memories, he can keep, but in the end, it's either he fuck behind my back, then I stop making surprises for him because he doesn't deserve it, and now all of this. I rather focus my time on myself and the kids, which he's missing, which everyone is missing.

I will work more, dedicate whatever time I have to juggle between home, education and work to more visits to my father, and my mother, going to the libraries, to the pools, the places the kids want to go to, and many more family bonding without him. He can continue to sit in the room, sliding his phone, dwelling on the $1 he has in his wallet to his mother, Facebook, Instagram or whoever.

A heart can only turn sour and never be the same sweet again. Here's my 1 cent thought of ranting which by chance, no one knows, but I recognise my hurt in words. Shit.

A Passer-by's tiny plant

They're really adorable. Small plant in a tiny pot 🥰 Can't wait to see them grow! Hopefully, I don't end up killing them. Got them from J10 after the interview. They were selling any succulent and cacti at $2.50 each.

New Baby Plant

Went for an interview at J10. Visited Sheng Shiong after that and saw some plants for sale. I bought these 2 babies. Cutie lil succulents!! 💓

Second day of the Fasting Month 2022

Today is the 2nd day of puasa. The kids are doing a pretty good job so far. Hope they cope with their thirst and hunger well during school today.

We managed to sell the balance items that were staying at our house rent-free. 5 pcs of diatomite mat and 4 pcs of the 3-tier food organiser. We used to have A-HELLA-LOT of them, more than 10 I would say. It took us months to finally clear them. I felt bad for the items because we put them outside for so long that even specks of dust were collected, and the condition of the box, with all the cat business, it's not in tip-top condition I would say. Alhamdulillah on this random morning, it was all sold. We are trying to clear the balance stocks we have for the pocket perfume too. There are many scents to choose from and it is selling at $3 per bottle now. It used to be $6 per bottle. Well, it's a clearance sale as we called it.

I used to have hundreds of ideas to want to sell many things. I feel that we were too overwhelmed with everything. It's time to take a step back and focus on the more important and basic things first.

Been wishing to restock the ice pops again, but have not had the time yet. Hopefully soon <3 

The Railway Children

'Now, listen,' said Mother; 'it's quite true that we're poor, but we have enough to live on. You mustn't go telling everyone about our affairs- it's not right. And you must never, never, never ask strangers to give you things. Now always remember that-won't you?'

The Railway Children

Chapter 4, pg 65

i wuv wiu hash burn

My husband is supportive of everything I do, he even joined the search for a job online with me and hopefully, I've applied to a brighter door :> you know? the door quote? when 1 door closes, the other opens? maybe I can use that quote here :>

The work again :/

I don't have any good content to compose today. I just feel a little lost, decided to spit my weird problems out here, for no one to see or by any chance, anyone to stumble upon this boring post about me complaing about my bad day.

I started a job at a supermarket sometime in late last year, September 2021? I remembered enjoying the job. Wait, not enjoying in the form of having fun, but more like comfortable with the newly found job. It's nearby, it's straight-forward. Based on the logistic experiences I had in the past, it helped me to adapt well at this supermarket. The only thing that was new to me was the working on weekends, and 6 days a week, and also have to learn the cashiering duties, which I made effort for which now I'm doing fine with it.

When I applied for the job, I was appointed under the 'grocery department', where my main responsibilities are more to the logistics side.

After some time, months had passed and I realised I had to do more than what I started with. The stocks keep piling in, I had to cover the different sections in the store and also do the cashiering and handling of new stocks, the things were all heavy and crazy. I felt like I was being kicked around. Cashiering and Logistics are two different positions.

At the end of the day, now, I am not looking forward to going back there to do crap anymore. It was a comfortable place, until one by one, my colleagues start to send in their resignation, and everything ends up with me covering different roles.

I thought maybe I am the one finding faults about the job I applied for, but whenever I tried to think of the positivity and y'know, just brush my emotions away and go to work as per normal, continuously telling myself it's going to be a 'new great day', then I started to get sick to my stomach. Feeling nauseous, having diarrhoea so I had to see the doctor, and I thought that was the 'sick' phase I had to go through and be done with after I'm well, but nope, the following week that sickness came back to me, I know it had got nothing to do with what I ate because I barely ate anything much at all. My appetite had changed, my moods are weird, I avoid and block anything related to my family, I just disconnect. That is how I feel. I tell myself maybe I'm being lazy, I should just go to work, and go outside, like a normal day, but I just can't. It sounds simple and easy to just brush it off and go. 

After taking a step back, I think it all relates to me, my mind and my body. It tires me, the work activities and after work I also have responsibilities, and on top of that the other issues to worry about.

So I think, all the thinking, worrying, trying...really isn't making me cope well with my mental health. After all the distractions I did to make myself better, like playing games, listening to music, dancing, karaoke, cleaning the house like there's no tomorrow, watching a movie, it didn't help me. I even tried sharing my feelings with the people I care about, but I don't really think they really really understand how I feel.

I've planned to resign from my current job and send out my application to another one which I called earlier today. Hopefully, the decision I've made lifts the weight off my shoulders a little. Insya'Allah.

Started plant frenzy

I'm impressed with how it turned out after comparing before and after photos side by side. Anyway, today I visited a petrol kiosk for the 2nd time, and they have all of my favourites plants!! I'll shared more photos of the other plants soon, but here is one beautiful Goeppertia Iancifolia which is also known as Rattlesnake Plant (SGD$7.90) 🌱

Bicycle and badminton afternoon

I wanted to go anywhere, somewhere today, but remembered I got a video interview at 5pm. So I decided we should just play outside of our house today. Brought along my dad's badminton 🏸 and Fina's bicycle.

The kids are playing with bubbles now.