In between everything

I can only see two pretty things above, a lovely flower and a cute being, both filled with love.

There have been several instances where we've faced unnecessary hurdles. After everything I've been through in my life over the years, it's shaped me into who I am today. As a result, trusting has become a challenge. I’ve reached a point where I can no longer accept phrases like "I'm sorry" or "Don't I deserve another chance?" They just don't hold weight anymore. I've learned that even someone as close as your husband can take advantage of your pride. Forget the typical betrayals from boyfriends during school days or the hypocritical, two-faced friends we had back then; this trust issue has hit a whole new level. It's about a person whose primary role should be to preserve, care for, protect, and guide you, but -nada-. Let me emphasize that word: Protect. I've found myself in a situation where I genuinely feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore, except you.

That phase I went through hit me hard, like a punch to the chest. Don’t mistake the pain I felt for love or a broken heart, because it was neither. I found myself trapped in my own thoughts, wondering just how much further one's foolishness could go. I was disgusted with myself, realizing that someone like that could walk the Earth, living among us. Blinded by greed and devoid of compassion, this person left me breathless, with tears that seemed endless. I would curl up and scream until there was no air left in my lungs, all the while feeling the weight of the pain. They took my pride that belonged only to me, vandalized it, exploited it for their selfish needs, and tossed it aside as if it were nothing. It felt like no one cared how deeply this tore at my soul. Aren't you ashamed of yourselves? Showing no regard for my name, my children's name, my skin, or me. The pain doesn't just affect me; it reaches into the depths of my being. During that time, I couldn’t help but imagine if the tables were turned. Would they feel as traumatized as I did? Every time I closed my eyes, the mockery replayed in my mind, tormenting me.

I just want everything to be over, and I believe we deserve our own sense of justice. This has never been about winning or losing; it’s not a game. Ego? Honestly, spare me. I hope you feel a hundred times the pain I’ve endured, and then you can look me in the eye and say I’m being unreasonable.

Over the years in my relationships, I often ignored my own feelings. I told myself it was okay to put my needs aside, thinking, "You do your thing, and I'll do mine; I can handle it." Sometimes, I felt small and upset because I missed touch, affection, and attention. I thought maybe I was just being childish. However, I’ve realized that these things really matter to me, and I want to share those experiences with you right now and in every moment after baby. At this moment, I'm grappling with trust issues, and the idea of getting married feels both wonderful and intimidating. I’m choosing to be open about how I feel now for the sake of us, and I believe it's a healthy habit to have.

I truly love him, my Muhammad Khais. If I could turn back time, I would want us to share a perfect journey together, carefully planned so that we could savour every moment and grow alongside each other. Yet, I find myself believing that everything has happened for a reason, leading us to where we are now.

Syariah Court was fucked up. The mediator was fucked up. The counsellor was fucked up. When I reached out for support from the assistance groups, I was met with blank stares and empty promises. The very people who held the power to make a difference ridiculed me and mocked my pain, treating my struggles as if they were nothing more than a punchline in a cruel joke. They slammed the door on my hopes of escaping my unhappy marriage, dismissing my intentions to divorce with an apathetic 9-to-5 attitude that made me feel utterly defeated. What a heartbreaking disappointment for sure, which brought me to engage a lawyer to maintain my sanity.

So, no. I only have you. I feel different when I'm with you. I'm all in with you. I like how we always learn from each other; we do reflections together. I love how I'm 100% transparent and comfortable with you. You’re my best friend, my brother, my mother, my father, my funny one. The way we are always in sync, how we don’t need to say a word yet we understand, listen, and respond as if our minds shout our own words out loud—it’s incredible. My journey of love ends with you till the end of time. It’s not a pitstop anymore; it’s forever. My forever.

Fear or Crazy

As I sit here, thinking and typing, there were uncountable times where I find myself in an uncontrollable situation with my children. Many parents may have different ways to discipline their child, to get something out from them. I kept telling myself to ignore those minor mistakes or mischief the kids had done. Furthermore, they were just kids. The next minute, I see myself doing something that I didn't want to do, fearful of, terribly.

I know how much it hurts to be hurt like them, like that, because it happened to me and I don't want to be that person, that person whom I used to be afraid of, where my life was in his hands and he was just toying around with it.

Today, it happened. As tears rolled down her soft baby cheek, my heart ached sooo much inside, I could even feel how frightened she was from her pulled-back-trying-to-be-strong voice when she answered my interrogation about the remote control she'd lost because she doesn't want her brother to watch another cartoon series. No one would know, how I'd wish to pause the time and walk slowly towards her to wipe away her tears. People only think that I am that fierce and straight up mom. I hated myself for what I had done to her, which I never thought I would do it again, sometimes I'm just scared of myself. I would ask myself "will I turn into him?" I am badly, begging, anyone to pull me away if by any chance I would turn out like their dad. :'( She went to bed after she'd found her lost remote, heartbroken. "I know how you feel dear.. I really do.."

I went into her room as quickly as possible after I'd settled the things in the living room. I hugged her so tight as she lay on her bed covering her face with her gigantic blue Stitch, and asked her if it was painful and where was she hurting. "Yes, I know it's painful, and you're scared. Papa used to do that to me too, and I love you. If that didn't happen, you would've given up in searching for the remote which you'd hidden. I'm sorry."

A few years back, while I was still going through depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, it was worse than this. I would stop whatever I was doing halfway, and lock myself in my own room for a few hours till I'm calmed down so that I do not hurt them further. I really don't want to go through all that again.

Circumstances lead me to these situations to deal with, frankly I'm emotionally exhausted. I kept telling myself to look at the brighter side and most important parts of my life. Nothing can ever replace my now family. I would also like to thank my not so faithful husband for sticking around, being my pillar of strength when I was at my lowest, when I thought that it would all be better to end my life. I'm thankful for the little moments, happiness you bring us. Tried your hardest to stay strong and go on, even though it's not easy to suddenly become a father of 2. I'm thankful for the shelter we've roofed over ourselves together, the hurdles we had to go through, what you made me went through.

My biggest weakness is my fear. Fear to be like my mother, fear to be like their dad, fear to be selfish and selfless.

I love you, my little family.