In between everything

I can only see two pretty things above, a lovely flower and a cute being, both filled with love.

There have been several instances where we've faced unnecessary hurdles. After everything I've been through in my life over the years, it's shaped me into who I am today. As a result, trusting has become a challenge. I’ve reached a point where I can no longer accept phrases like "I'm sorry" or "Don't I deserve another chance?" They just don't hold weight anymore. I've learned that even someone as close as your husband can take advantage of your pride. Forget the typical betrayals from boyfriends during school days or the hypocritical, two-faced friends we had back then; this trust issue has hit a whole new level. It's about a person whose primary role should be to preserve, care for, protect, and guide you, but -nada-. Let me emphasize that word: Protect. I've found myself in a situation where I genuinely feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore, except you.

That phase I went through hit me hard, like a punch to the chest. Don’t mistake the pain I felt for love or a broken heart, because it was neither. I found myself trapped in my own thoughts, wondering just how much further one's foolishness could go. I was disgusted with myself, realizing that someone like that could walk the Earth, living among us. Blinded by greed and devoid of compassion, this person left me breathless, with tears that seemed endless. I would curl up and scream until there was no air left in my lungs, all the while feeling the weight of the pain. They took my pride that belonged only to me, vandalized it, exploited it for their selfish needs, and tossed it aside as if it were nothing. It felt like no one cared how deeply this tore at my soul. Aren't you ashamed of yourselves? Showing no regard for my name, my children's name, my skin, or me. The pain doesn't just affect me; it reaches into the depths of my being. During that time, I couldn’t help but imagine if the tables were turned. Would they feel as traumatized as I did? Every time I closed my eyes, the mockery replayed in my mind, tormenting me.

I just want everything to be over, and I believe we deserve our own sense of justice. This has never been about winning or losing; it’s not a game. Ego? Honestly, spare me. I hope you feel a hundred times the pain I’ve endured, and then you can look me in the eye and say I’m being unreasonable.

Over the years in my relationships, I often ignored my own feelings. I told myself it was okay to put my needs aside, thinking, "You do your thing, and I'll do mine; I can handle it." Sometimes, I felt small and upset because I missed touch, affection, and attention. I thought maybe I was just being childish. However, I’ve realized that these things really matter to me, and I want to share those experiences with you right now and in every moment after baby. At this moment, I'm grappling with trust issues, and the idea of getting married feels both wonderful and intimidating. I’m choosing to be open about how I feel now for the sake of us, and I believe it's a healthy habit to have.

I truly love him, my Muhammad Khais. If I could turn back time, I would want us to share a perfect journey together, carefully planned so that we could savour every moment and grow alongside each other. Yet, I find myself believing that everything has happened for a reason, leading us to where we are now.

Syariah Court was fucked up. The mediator was fucked up. The counsellor was fucked up. When I reached out for support from the assistance groups, I was met with blank stares and empty promises. The very people who held the power to make a difference ridiculed me and mocked my pain, treating my struggles as if they were nothing more than a punchline in a cruel joke. They slammed the door on my hopes of escaping my unhappy marriage, dismissing my intentions to divorce with an apathetic 9-to-5 attitude that made me feel utterly defeated. What a heartbreaking disappointment for sure, which brought me to engage a lawyer to maintain my sanity.

So, no. I only have you. I feel different when I'm with you. I'm all in with you. I like how we always learn from each other; we do reflections together. I love how I'm 100% transparent and comfortable with you. You’re my best friend, my brother, my mother, my father, my funny one. The way we are always in sync, how we don’t need to say a word yet we understand, listen, and respond as if our minds shout our own words out loud—it’s incredible. My journey of love ends with you till the end of time. It’s not a pitstop anymore; it’s forever. My forever.