Camera on a Friday

Decided to bring along the camera and take some shots fetching them from school on another Friday. Walked home from school and brought Mono outdoor for a little while. It was a crazy hot weather just like any other day. Usually I'd bring along a must have umbrella, funny how I find it important now than before, I hated umbrellas that I'd rather walk in the rain than to pack an umbrella the whole day in my bag, well.. back then haha.

I've been feeling weird lately. Missed period in January(but I don't wanna think otherwise.) My usual symptoms before my period would be being a clean-af-woman where I find myself doing spring cleaning from morning until night comes, spick and span, cleaning of the turtle tank in the a.m. folding everyone's wardrobe, putting things in place in the storeroom, and whatever that's placed somewhere it doesn't belong around the house, it'll find it's way back to where it does belong. That will go on for a few days till I start to breakdown and stop everything that's important to life, strictly no washing of dishes, no cleaning, no washing can't even get myself out of bed, and even if I did, it's mealtime and back to sleep for many hours, maybe even 24 hours of sleep haha, and that will go on until... it's time.

We are looking forward to a tiny junior but we're still waiting, we'll wait through all the uncountable pregnancy test kits, we will still wait for you, Insyaa Allah.

Getting everything ready for tomorrow, husband's track day round 2! Vroom vroom! 🏍

Pet Summary

Juju, her full name was Juliet was first bought and brought home with her pair, Romeo who was lost in the midst of our home transitioning. I'm not sure how he was lost and I'm pretty sure tortoises don't jump out of tank. My husband and I was walking around Big Box that one day, and entered a small aquarium shop. I do remember by heart that he bought the turtles to mark a special day, maybe my birthday 2-3 years ago. I wasn't confident on taking care of a tortoise at first, I kept watching videos on YouTube, Google many articles on knowledge and ideas to make our dear lil turtur safe at home. Now, my not-so-small tortoise is trained to even call us from her tank at the corner of the dining room for attention. How? She will flap her what are those? webbed feet? flippers? arms? yeah, you know it, and she'll make this blobloblobblob sound until, I walk towards her, and she will stop. She enjoys crawling around the house, but I don't, she'll end up with some dust, hair or fur on her skin, and I'll always need to vet her before she goes back into her water.

Belle is our very first cat in the house, though she may be the 13th, 14th? or 20th pet cat in my entire life. She was adopted through Facebook, delivered by a courier service and we received her in  a huge box, during that time, we had our rabbit families, sadly we had to let them go. Belle is soft spoken, her fur is long and fluffy soft, her eyes... pulls you into another 100th dimension you never knew existed, but she's always lazy to clean her eyes or even herself and clumsy during most of her life with us, she fell down the bed, fell down the stairs, slipped across the floor while running or hopping. She is one silly cute cat.

One day, my cousin asked if I'm able to adopt another feline. He found a 2 young kitten locked in a pet carrier at his void deck, and he brought them home. He couldn't handle both to he asked if I could help him out there. I took one of the young kitten. When I reached my cousin's place, and I took her out of the carrier, she climbed onto my body so tightly and her claws were stuck on my shirt she didn't want to let go. Maybe she was scared, she had no idea what's going to happen to her being left under the void deck and then someone brought her home and back out again. Now, she's my vain, sporty, neat and noisy cat. She enjoys hair brushing more than me, that each time I comb my hair after shower, she'll come running for her private fur brush session with me.

Recently, we finally brought home these 2 active, playful, feisty, young cats. They were found in a vehicle part at a garage by some of my husband's friends who were, mechanics and works with motorbikes. They were still a kitten, meowing with their squeaky voice and playing with each other in a carton box. I came by the garage one night, and helped my friend to feed the kittens some kitten formula milk in a small bottle. The fuss, the scratch, and they were held down and forced to drink their milk by me haha. Weeks later, I dropped by again and they were already bigger and each time I come to the garage, I'll sit and play with them in their cage. I think they'd already recognise me. The often I visit, the more I was thinking about taking them home, but I hesitated because I'm afraid if I couldn't afford to have any more feline at home, like will their food be enough? Will they litter randomly around the house? I was asking myself to many questions. Until, my friend couldn't find time to care for them, they'd been in the cage for as long as I can remember, with the loud sounds of the exhaust and engines and motorsports. Maybe they did bring the kitten out for a while, but the rest of the time they had to be inside their cage for safety measures. My friend offered if I would be interested to help her out to re-home the kittens. With no doubt, I said yes! I was so excited, to welcome them home to make new friends with our other felines, and be the cat they can be at our home 😊 Mono is very curious and observant, she will come in the call of her name. She enjoys cuddling with humans during our sleep, she's very clean and knows when to bite during play and not during petting. She's able to control her claws better now, and is aware that we do feel pain if she bites or uses her sharp claws to grasp on us. Mina is a quiet, girly, and a playful solo. She's very active during play time and enjoys eating wet food more than her kibbles. She enjoys cuddling with humans during our TV time, she will jump up on us, or rub her body against us while we're watching the TV. She's is also a gentle cat, like Belle. She does not bite or scratch, but she does enjoy stretching and scratching our cork-board that's hanging on the wall.

To sum everything up, I love them with all my heart 💖

New Skin, New Feel

"What? Blogger? In 2020?" 😁 I mean, why not right? Above were photos of us taken earlier yesterday. Our daily weekday routine, fetch them from school, rush house chores, checking their school books, going through our daily lessons at home, breaking down their daily spending in school on paper, and think about what to cook today, later, tonight and tomorrow morning.

Now they're practicing to pack food from home for their recess and more fresh fruits and grains for their snack time in school. I'm a proud mum to witness all the skills they acquire at their present age now. Recently, my daughter learnt to cook rice 😊, for real. That is how much I could depend on her at home and in character, apart from the usual dish washing, laundry folding and cleaning of her own room. My baby girl whom I used to talk to while rubbing my belly round and round in the long warm shower in the past, when I was unsure she is even living, is now my 8 year old feisty little girl.

My son, has grown pretty fast too. I'm now quite sure how to describe it, but I know when I see changes and development in himself. He may not grasp physical things as fast as his sister, but he catches quickly on other details. Like the way he talks, and shows his interest in his friends, future and studies. While I was hanging the laundry a few days ago, he came into the laundry area and sat on the wooden bench beside me. He was practicing to tie the rope on his pants, which I taught him a moment before. When he finally, somehow tied it, he cheered but said it was messy. "It's okay, you only need to practice more, not just today but any other days too." I said. Then he replied, "Yes, because the more you practice, the more you understand.. And then the more you understand, the more you know, and then the more you know the better you will be." I paused and stared into another dimension's galaxy. Haha, and those words came from my 7 year old clumsy, blur, sleepy and a cry-baby son. He is also very talented in drawing pictures of vehicles. My stack of A4 papers that I place under our study table, can vanish in 1 week without my supervision, he'll continue drawing and drawing, about sport cars, his first day at school, even a map showing the journey to school with the little details like how the bus turns and the traffic lights we will pass and so on. But one thing that he hasn't change about himself, is being a whiny boy who cries and talks while complaining all at the same time, about what? About fairness, and his sister. Always, fighting. Even when watching television, I feel like breaking everything in the house in half for each of them 😂.

Time will always be precious when I'm with you my dear kids. Don't be sad when I'm angry at you, know that I'll end up laughing when I turn around trying to stay mad at you. I love you my Fina and Qasya 💓

Fear or Crazy

As I sit here, thinking and typing, there were uncountable times where I find myself in an uncontrollable situation with my children. Many parents may have different ways to discipline their child, to get something out from them. I kept telling myself to ignore those minor mistakes or mischief the kids had done. Furthermore, they were just kids. The next minute, I see myself doing something that I didn't want to do, fearful of, terribly.

I know how much it hurts to be hurt like them, like that, because it happened to me and I don't want to be that person, that person whom I used to be afraid of, where my life was in his hands and he was just toying around with it.

Today, it happened. As tears rolled down her soft baby cheek, my heart ached sooo much inside, I could even feel how frightened she was from her pulled-back-trying-to-be-strong voice when she answered my interrogation about the remote control she'd lost because she doesn't want her brother to watch another cartoon series. No one would know, how I'd wish to pause the time and walk slowly towards her to wipe away her tears. People only think that I am that fierce and straight up mom. I hated myself for what I had done to her, which I never thought I would do it again, sometimes I'm just scared of myself. I would ask myself "will I turn into him?" I am badly, begging, anyone to pull me away if by any chance I would turn out like their dad. :'( She went to bed after she'd found her lost remote, heartbroken. "I know how you feel dear.. I really do.."

I went into her room as quickly as possible after I'd settled the things in the living room. I hugged her so tight as she lay on her bed covering her face with her gigantic blue Stitch, and asked her if it was painful and where was she hurting. "Yes, I know it's painful, and you're scared. Papa used to do that to me too, and I love you. If that didn't happen, you would've given up in searching for the remote which you'd hidden. I'm sorry."

A few years back, while I was still going through depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, it was worse than this. I would stop whatever I was doing halfway, and lock myself in my own room for a few hours till I'm calmed down so that I do not hurt them further. I really don't want to go through all that again.

Circumstances lead me to these situations to deal with, frankly I'm emotionally exhausted. I kept telling myself to look at the brighter side and most important parts of my life. Nothing can ever replace my now family. I would also like to thank my not so faithful husband for sticking around, being my pillar of strength when I was at my lowest, when I thought that it would all be better to end my life. I'm thankful for the little moments, happiness you bring us. Tried your hardest to stay strong and go on, even though it's not easy to suddenly become a father of 2. I'm thankful for the shelter we've roofed over ourselves together, the hurdles we had to go through, what you made me went through.

My biggest weakness is my fear. Fear to be like my mother, fear to be like their dad, fear to be selfish and selfless.

I love you, my little family.

Moving forward to home

Let's see..

Do I start with a 'Dear Diary..', 'Once Upon A Time..' or 'Hey What's up with the world now?'

It has been about three to four months now since I had stopped working as Logistic Assistant, where quick money roll in every 2 weeks. I've spent a lot of my time working there just to earn much more than the job I had before, which was as an Assistant Teacher at a Childcare Centre. I kept taking all the overtime, committed to the hours 8.15am - 8.30pm  or 10.30pm every day, and every time I reached home.. the day obviously turned to night. I would even work on the weekends, 8.15am - 5.15pm, even sometimes ending at 8.15pm. When things got hard and tiring for me, I would always find ways to bring my interest to work by getting to know all the new temporary staffs, like the students working on their holidays. It was all fun, but physically tiring. I was just hoping for few things.

1. Earn better
2. Help husband out
3. Provide more for our leisure as a family

I continued hoping so much that things are going to get better for us. Until I realised I stayed on because we had to buy a house to move from our rented flat. Buying a flat, benefits us more than renting out a flat though, no doubt about that and never regretted it.

Over some time, I realised home is not really home anymore. I didn't have the time to cook, by the time I reached home, husband and I were tired from work and had to fetch the kids from either my in-law's house or my parent's house, it was an arrangement made so that we could head out to work, so I could head out to work. It was messy, and I didn't really liked it much. I barely spend time with the kids, I worked so much hoping I could earn for them, but I didn't spend the time with them, I tend to focus more on their bad behaviour more than praising their achievements.

Until that one time, I decided to just throw the dice. Stop the whole workaholic thing.. and start to really focus on what's more important. So here I am now, still going on... We cut down on my transportation to work, public transport value and school bus for my daughter, and try to make do of what we have right about now.

I cleaned the house, cook whenever I could, sent my son to school, fetch my daughter from her school as she ends in the noon. I'm quite happy with the new environment, where my kids get to have their mum to travel with them to school, and casually going back and forth home to school and playground, and no more rushing, running to school or to head back home. Knowing my children, Fina and Qasya can't be together for long, with them not seeing each other in the afternoon, I  get more personal time with my daughter and another personal time with my son when I send him to school or when he get's home by the evening. and even I have time for myself. It's great, great..

A new kind of pet

It has been a long time, again, since the last time I posted on blog. So recently I’ve got myself a new pet, another new pet.

I had been finding and browsing for any kind of adoption and post about lost rabbit that I can find. Not for long, I finally found an open for adoption post. Lucky for me, the owner of the rabbit lived near-by around my house. They claimed that the reason they can't continue to care for it was because their parent was sick and can’t be close with any kind of dust/fur, and it’s best to avoid inhaling those. They gave the rabbit away without any fee, which I felt bad at that time, they even gave all the necessities like leftover hays, bedding, grooming set, an acrylic bunny cage and also the pet carrier, and that, would’ve cost me a few hundred dollars.

When the rabbit reached it’s new home, My Home, I gave it some space and time for it to get comfy around the house. I went to search the internet on what rabbits could and couldn’t eat and lots of how to videos. I had zero '0' idea about caring for a rabbit because I’m more of a cat person, I had no idea how to interact with bunnies at all like “Do they understand me?”, “Does putting the cage at this corner makes a difference for its living?” and all sorts of weird thoughts. Unlike cats, rabbits are more sensitive and doesn’t make noises, which puts me in a difficult position to know when the rabbit like or dislike something or when it needs anything at all.

Lucky for me, I’ve bonded and tried to do things together with my bunny over the past year.

18 June 2017

Iftar with boyfriend's friends and lots of food. Then we head for Durian Fest ❤️