Fear or Crazy

As I sit here, thinking and typing, there were uncountable times where I find myself in an uncontrollable situation with my children. Many parents may have different ways to discipline their child, to get something out from them. I kept telling myself to ignore those minor mistakes or mischief the kids had done. Furthermore, they were just kids. The next minute, I see myself doing something that I didn't want to do, fearful of, terribly.

I know how much it hurts to be hurt like them, like that, because it happened to me and I don't want to be that person, that person whom I used to be afraid of, where my life was in his hands and he was just toying around with it.

Today, it happened. As tears rolled down her soft baby cheek, my heart ached sooo much inside, I could even feel how frightened she was from her pulled-back-trying-to-be-strong voice when she answered my interrogation about the remote control she'd lost because she doesn't want her brother to watch another cartoon series. No one would know, how I'd wish to pause the time and walk slowly towards her to wipe away her tears. People only think that I am that fierce and straight up mom. I hated myself for what I had done to her, which I never thought I would do it again, sometimes I'm just scared of myself. I would ask myself "will I turn into him?" I am badly, begging, anyone to pull me away if by any chance I would turn out like their dad. :'( She went to bed after she'd found her lost remote, heartbroken. "I know how you feel dear.. I really do.."

I went into her room as quickly as possible after I'd settled the things in the living room. I hugged her so tight as she lay on her bed covering her face with her gigantic blue Stitch, and asked her if it was painful and where was she hurting. "Yes, I know it's painful, and you're scared. Papa used to do that to me too, and I love you. If that didn't happen, you would've given up in searching for the remote which you'd hidden. I'm sorry."

A few years back, while I was still going through depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, it was worse than this. I would stop whatever I was doing halfway, and lock myself in my own room for a few hours till I'm calmed down so that I do not hurt them further. I really don't want to go through all that again.

Circumstances lead me to these situations to deal with, frankly I'm emotionally exhausted. I kept telling myself to look at the brighter side and most important parts of my life. Nothing can ever replace my now family. I would also like to thank my not so faithful husband for sticking around, being my pillar of strength when I was at my lowest, when I thought that it would all be better to end my life. I'm thankful for the little moments, happiness you bring us. Tried your hardest to stay strong and go on, even though it's not easy to suddenly become a father of 2. I'm thankful for the shelter we've roofed over ourselves together, the hurdles we had to go through, what you made me went through.

My biggest weakness is my fear. Fear to be like my mother, fear to be like their dad, fear to be selfish and selfless.

I love you, my little family.

Moving forward to home

Let's see..

Do I start with a 'Dear Diary..', 'Once Upon A Time..' or 'Hey What's up with the world now?'

It has been about three to four months now since I had stopped working as Logistic Assistant, where quick money roll in every 2 weeks. I've spent a lot of my time working there just to earn much more than the job I had before, which was as an Assistant Teacher at a Childcare Centre. I kept taking all the overtime, committed to the hours 8.15am - 8.30pm  or 10.30pm every day, and every time I reached home.. the day obviously turned to night. I would even work on the weekends, 8.15am - 5.15pm, even sometimes ending at 8.15pm. When things got hard and tiring for me, I would always find ways to bring my interest to work by getting to know all the new temporary staffs, like the students working on their holidays. It was all fun, but physically tiring. I was just hoping for few things.

1. Earn better
2. Help husband out
3. Provide more for our leisure as a family

I continued hoping so much that things are going to get better for us. Until I realised I stayed on because we had to buy a house to move from our rented flat. Buying a flat, benefits us more than renting out a flat though, no doubt about that and never regretted it.

Over some time, I realised home is not really home anymore. I didn't have the time to cook, by the time I reached home, husband and I were tired from work and had to fetch the kids from either my in-law's house or my parent's house, it was an arrangement made so that we could head out to work, so I could head out to work. It was messy, and I didn't really liked it much. I barely spend time with the kids, I worked so much hoping I could earn for them, but I didn't spend the time with them, I tend to focus more on their bad behaviour more than praising their achievements.

Until that one time, I decided to just throw the dice. Stop the whole workaholic thing.. and start to really focus on what's more important. So here I am now, still going on... We cut down on my transportation to work, public transport value and school bus for my daughter, and try to make do of what we have right about now.

I cleaned the house, cook whenever I could, sent my son to school, fetch my daughter from her school as she ends in the noon. I'm quite happy with the new environment, where my kids get to have their mum to travel with them to school, and casually going back and forth home to school and playground, and no more rushing, running to school or to head back home. Knowing my children, Fina and Qasya can't be together for long, with them not seeing each other in the afternoon, I  get more personal time with my daughter and another personal time with my son when I send him to school or when he get's home by the evening. and even I have time for myself. It's great, great..

A new kind of pet

It has been a long time, again, since the last time I posted on blog. So recently I’ve got myself a new pet, another new pet.

I had been finding and browsing for any kind of adoption and post about lost rabbit that I can find. Not for long, I finally found an open for adoption post. Lucky for me, the owner of the rabbit lived near-by around my house. They claimed that the reason they can't continue to care for it was because their parent was sick and can’t be close with any kind of dust/fur, and it’s best to avoid inhaling those. They gave the rabbit away without any fee, which I felt bad at that time, they even gave all the necessities like leftover hays, bedding, grooming set, an acrylic bunny cage and also the pet carrier, and that, would’ve cost me a few hundred dollars.

When the rabbit reached it’s new home, My Home, I gave it some space and time for it to get comfy around the house. I went to search the internet on what rabbits could and couldn’t eat and lots of how to videos. I had zero '0' idea about caring for a rabbit because I’m more of a cat person, I had no idea how to interact with bunnies at all like “Do they understand me?”, “Does putting the cage at this corner makes a difference for its living?” and all sorts of weird thoughts. Unlike cats, rabbits are more sensitive and doesn’t make noises, which puts me in a difficult position to know when the rabbit like or dislike something or when it needs anything at all.

Lucky for me, I’ve bonded and tried to do things together with my bunny over the past year.

18 June 2017

Iftar with boyfriend's friends and lots of food. Then we head for Durian Fest ❤️

Honey Cornflakes

Today I want to write about Cornflakes, Honey Cornflakes. Up till now, many had already known how much I look forward to the special days of Hari Raya, and to get my fingers on one particular kind of Honey Cornflakes. I kept asking myself, why Honey Cornflakes? People kept saying it's too sweet and it's just cornflakes.

I've made mine independently 2 years back and still counting. P.S: I just had one few minutes ago. So while I was eating the ones I've made for this year, I was thinking about many things. #1. Never forget the day me and and my older sister made honey cornflakes together while we were fasting. The moment I heard the azan, I ate those Honey Cornflakes from the pot we were putting into mini cups, like it was rice. Then my sister asked, "ARE YOU NOT FASTING?" but of course, in Malay. Then I paused, asked her to listen to the radio, and she joined me to eat those Honey Cornflakes like rice. #2. My mother made some deliveries of Honey Cornflakes to some of her friends or cousin, I wasn't so sure, and can you imagine how happy I was being surrounded by tubs of cornflakes all around me in the van. I can actually remember that it was at Tekka somehow. What's important was, I had my own tub of portable Honey Cornflakes, made specially for me. I guess my mother was just worried that I would end up eating her customer's orders. #3. I remembered, to always have some tubs of cornflakes with me when I returned to my mum's place, from my dad's. The one that made all the cooking and baking is usually my step-mother, and the tiniest memories I had with my step-sister was the greatest. #4. During my selfish times with my ex-husband, I was in no contact from my family, or step or any other. We either had misunderstandings or just don't talk at all. I was pregnant, and was craving for my Honey Cornflakes. But during that time, I guess, it wasn't the food that I was craving for, it was that time, that memory with my dad, sister which I was craving for most. I wished time would turn back, but knowing that it was reality, time will only pass, and it won't stop until it resets to 00:00 each day.

Now that I've gotten an oven from somewhere. I can feel each memory from each bite of Honey Cornflakes, and take myself back in time to 10 or more years back. It's not just about biting and chewing and swallowing and complaining about the stickiness of the honey, but what makes it perfect is the moment when the food is in your mouth and on your tongue, you need to stop and breathe the honey, sugar, butter, and oven all in one. For this year, my cornflakes had tiny heart sprinkles, because right now, things are getting more lovely with each day being spent with my pillars of strength.

Fasting month

Finally I've finished preparing my materials for Monday. It's the fasting month and my time gets busier each day. Working full day a.m. to p.m. and having classes on alternate days, an addition to that, 'portfolio time'. June holidays for you guys, but it's brainstorm-days for me.

I am looking forward to the moment I can turnover from working full to part-time. You see, my mind never stop thinking and talking on the inside, it never shut up even for a split second. I kept thinking about the days I spend with strangers' children more than my own children, and when the weekend comes, I can only look at my children during their sleep thinking how fast they'd grown smarter and taller though still small in size. From when they have those chubby-bunny cheeks and tiny-mini lips to scars on their faces and making choices of their own.

I wished to spend the day with them and when they need me. I feel like I hadn't given them much attention at all, because by the time we got home to be able to (not do anything) rest, it would be the time for us to sleep.

Things are better now, but I wouldn't say the best yet where we could all lay on the couch with a bowl of cereal watching Netflix till the a.m., there are minor complications from the past still lingering around my forehead, I've put some work to it and I can only wait for replies from the respective agencies. At times I even forgot about what I've been through at all, hahaha. What matters is, I have to look forward, not for me, but for my children, and us <3

A post to start with

Frankly, I'd just finished reading the flashbacks from my old stupid and dumb blog. I had a hard time reading and trying to understand what was I even typing at that point on #tb time. My goodness, with all those zxs and zzz and xiaa and seyhh omg damn man *slap on my forehead*.

How are things so far you say? Well as of now, I'm trying to sleep. 🙄🙄🙄 Goodnight miha.