Fear or Crazy

As I sit here, thinking and typing, there were uncountable times where I find myself in an uncontrollable situation with my children. Many parents may have different ways to discipline their child, to get something out from them. I kept telling myself to ignore those minor mistakes or mischief the kids had done. Furthermore, they were just kids. The next minute, I see myself doing something that I didn't want to do, fearful of, terribly.

I know how much it hurts to be hurt like them, like that, because it happened to me and I don't want to be that person, that person whom I used to be afraid of, where my life was in his hands and he was just toying around with it.

Today, it happened. As tears rolled down her soft baby cheek, my heart ached sooo much inside, I could even feel how frightened she was from her pulled-back-trying-to-be-strong voice when she answered my interrogation about the remote control she'd lost because she doesn't want her brother to watch another cartoon series. No one would know, how I'd wish to pause the time and walk slowly towards her to wipe away her tears. People only think that I am that fierce and straight up mom. I hated myself for what I had done to her, which I never thought I would do it again, sometimes I'm just scared of myself. I would ask myself "will I turn into him?" I am badly, begging, anyone to pull me away if by any chance I would turn out like their dad. :'( She went to bed after she'd found her lost remote, heartbroken. "I know how you feel dear.. I really do.."

I went into her room as quickly as possible after I'd settled the things in the living room. I hugged her so tight as she lay on her bed covering her face with her gigantic blue Stitch, and asked her if it was painful and where was she hurting. "Yes, I know it's painful, and you're scared. Papa used to do that to me too, and I love you. If that didn't happen, you would've given up in searching for the remote which you'd hidden. I'm sorry."

A few years back, while I was still going through depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, it was worse than this. I would stop whatever I was doing halfway, and lock myself in my own room for a few hours till I'm calmed down so that I do not hurt them further. I really don't want to go through all that again.

Circumstances lead me to these situations to deal with, frankly I'm emotionally exhausted. I kept telling myself to look at the brighter side and most important parts of my life. Nothing can ever replace my now family. I would also like to thank my not so faithful husband for sticking around, being my pillar of strength when I was at my lowest, when I thought that it would all be better to end my life. I'm thankful for the little moments, happiness you bring us. Tried your hardest to stay strong and go on, even though it's not easy to suddenly become a father of 2. I'm thankful for the shelter we've roofed over ourselves together, the hurdles we had to go through, what you made me went through.

My biggest weakness is my fear. Fear to be like my mother, fear to be like their dad, fear to be selfish and selfless.

I love you, my little family.